I wish that I was not this broken person
I wish so badly that I was as effervescent as a bird flying over the ocean who sees his reflection in the setting sun
I wish it was not a struggle and I did not have to fight to get through the day
I wish I was more like you
It seems easy for you
Why do I struggle
And crumple
Why can I barely function day to day
Is life this hard for everyone?
Sometimes I am so high
It's confusing when you are alone
You don't know which way is up and where your heading
This life is not meant to be lived alone
But we need to decide
We need to make choices
Who we're going to be
Every choice leads us down a path, you see
Whether you like it or not
Whether you're scared or shot
The roads of life are where we are going
Sometimes is scary to go down
But we are all leading to the same destination I feel
We all want to go to the same place
So the roads you take matter not
What matters is that you keep going;
Keep walking
You will not get anywhere by sitting down in the middle of the trail.
Watchers passersbys pass you by.
No this is not the way to be
The truth is we don't know if we are taking the right road
Especially people like me who want an answer
But sometimes can't hear them
I have surrendered myself to Gd over and over and over again and he remains, for the most part, silent.
If Gd Himself came down and told me how to live my life, I would do it in a heartbeat- a second.
Sometimes I am scared
Sometimes I want to be an atheist and just give up
On my faith
Sometimes I listen to people around me too much and that is hard
People who think they know but probably they know much less than I.
Gd is not going to talk to me so I need to stop trying
It's driving me crazy.
I am surrounded by people and I need to stay on this earth.
What is it about me that wants to go into the clouds?
I want to feel love
I want to feel love more than anything else, the peaceful, rushing kind of love
But I push if away. I block it out.
There are so many men around me interested in me. I am afraid of falling for the wrong one. Like
I did with Brandon, and so
Many others. I was so angry at Gd for bringing Brandon into my
Life.
Why would he make me fall so hard? It makes
No sense and it is cruel
Sometimes i think the set up
Of my
Life
Is cruel
And I want to play the victim.
Sometimes I do
Sometimes i feel sorry for myself
And cry about "why me"
But other times,
I feel so lucky. And try, just try,
To let the confusion melt away.
The truth is i don't know
I don't know Gds plan for me.
I will tell you one thing I am beginning to hate Gd.
I am very mad at him. For what he has done. He has led me astray.
I try to do everything for Him.
Everything for His will.
But i am left confused and broken. How can this be?
Is this what He wants for me?
Is this the life he wants?
How can i be sure?
I try to hard
To live a good life and be a good person
Ok so I am flawed
There are certain men I can't resist
Or certain things I keep doing
Like eating non kosher
Or being mean to my mom.
How can anyone be perfect?
I don't think we can be perfect because
We are humans
Humans are inherently not perfect
But yet
I have such high standards of how I want my life to be
Life to look
When i see other people with these standards I think
"What an idiot"!" "He'll never get that.. he's a bad person"
But there are still people who acquire these things
People who are not perfect
Maybe they cut corners or something like that
All
I know is that I want ton keep my values
My values strong
And the rest will fall
Into place
