Violence

“I’m a survivor” 

She breathed through her lips as they tried to bring her down 

they tried

to hurt her

they laughed 

called her names it hurt

but she shed only tears

in fear of something worse if she

spoke out

the horror

of her eyes

in the sanctuary of your body 

her flesh intricately touched yours

and you

laughed in awe of yourself

mostly you you were impressed with

it was always about you

about your victories and lies

at the end of the day you were all that mattered

with your shiny trophies and ducks in a row

your parents ogling you for your many successes

they helped you live a lie

you cannot think like me

you lack the capacity to think that way

and that is okay that you don't have the gift but at least see it for what it is

what it was

what it will be

“I’m a survivor” 

she said

just one more cut

will be enough. 

A process

A process

That eats our soul

For us to be whole

We have to 

Bow down to the man

Like Peter Pan

When he doesn't want to grow up

He wants to

Be true

His heart is see-through

He's Killin' it with his 

Game - no shame

He's not the one to blame

He's 

Friends with the monsters inside of his head

He's better at this then we said

Who wants to grow up and be told what to do?

Who can do that? Who knew? 

The world can be a cruel, cruel place.

And dark

The world can be dark. 

And stark 

The world is not what is used to be-

No warm bath, really, not truly. 

Are you fathoming this? 

How can you grow if you've got nowhere to go?

So you smash your ego- 

And damn

It's like you're floating on cloud nine with your friends all around.

And you're finally free...

To be free. 

A process

That eats our soul

For us to be whole

We have to 

Bow down to the man

Like Peter Pan

When he doesn't want to grow up

He wants to

Be true

His heart is see-through

He's Killin' it with his 

Game - no shame

He's not the one to blame

He's 

Friends with the monsters inside of his head

He's better at this then we said

Who wants to grow up and be told what to do?

Who can do that? Who knew? 

The world can be a cruel, cruel place.

And dark

The world can be dark. 

And stark 

The world is not what is used to be-

No warm bath, really, not truly. 

Are you fathoming this? 

How can you grow if you've got nowhere to go?

So you smash your ego- 

And damn

It's like you're floating on cloud nine with your friends all around.

And you're finally free...

To be free. 

I wish that I was not this broken person

I wish so badly that I was as effervescent as a bird flying over the ocean who sees his reflection in the setting sun

I wish it was not a struggle and I did not have to fight to get through the day

I wish I was more like you

It seems easy for you

Why do I struggle 

And crumple 

Why can I barely function day to day

Is life this hard for everyone? 

Sometimes I am so high 

It's confusing when you are alone

You don't know which way is up and where your heading

This life is not meant to be lived alone

But we need to decide

We need to make choices

Who we're going to be

Every choice leads us down a path, you see

Whether you like it or not

Whether you're scared or shot

The roads of life are where we are going 

Sometimes is scary to go down

But we are all leading to the same destination I feel 

We all want to go to the same place

So the roads you take matter not

What matters is that you keep going; 

Keep walking

You will not get anywhere by sitting down in the middle of the trail. 

Watchers passersbys pass you by.

No this is not the way to be

The truth is we don't know if we are taking the right road

Especially people like me who want an answer 

But sometimes can't hear them

I have surrendered myself to Gd over and over and over again and he remains, for the most part, silent.

If Gd Himself came down and told me how to live my life, I would do it in a heartbeat- a second.

Sometimes  I am scared

Sometimes I want to be an atheist and just give up

On my faith

Sometimes I listen to people around me too much and that is hard

People who think they know but probably they know much less than I.

Gd is not going to talk to me so I need to stop trying

It's driving me crazy.

I am surrounded by people and I need to stay on this earth.

What is it about me that wants to go into the clouds?

I want to feel love

I want to feel love more than anything else, the peaceful, rushing kind of love

But I push if away. I block it out.

There are so many men around me interested in me. I am afraid of falling for the wrong one. Like

I did with Brandon, and so

Many others. I was so angry at Gd for bringing Brandon into my

Life.

Why would he make me fall so hard? It makes

No sense and it is cruel

Sometimes i think the set up

Of my

Life

Is cruel 

And I want to play the victim.

Sometimes I do

Sometimes i feel sorry for myself 

And cry about "why me"

But other times, 

I feel so lucky. And try, just try,

To let the confusion melt away.

The truth is i don't know

I don't know Gds plan for me. 

I will tell you one thing I am beginning to hate Gd. 

I am very mad at him. For what he has done. He has led me astray.

I try to do everything for Him.

Everything for His will. 

But i am left confused and broken. How can this be?

Is this what He wants for me?

Is this the life he wants? 

How can i be sure?

I try to hard

To live a good life and be a good person

Ok so I am flawed 

There are certain men I can't resist 

Or certain things I keep doing

Like eating non kosher 

Or being mean to my mom.

How can anyone be perfect?

I don't think we can be perfect because

We are humans 

Humans are inherently not perfect

But yet

I have such high standards of how I want my life to be

Life to look

When i see other people with these standards I think 

"What an idiot"!" "He'll never get that.. he's a bad person" 

But there are still people who acquire these things

People who are not perfect 

Maybe they cut corners or something like that 

All

I know is that I want ton keep my values

My values strong 

And the rest will fall 

Into place 

You don't 

Deserve my words.

The end. 

[i started this poem but never finished] 

the way

Sometimes I wonder what I am doing on this earth 

My soul was brought down here in this body and its trying to find it's worth

The world is so full of walls that I can't even see

But I walk forward and I hit a glass door before me every direction I take

How do we know

Our souls price tag

How can we see what is real and what is genuine 

When everyone around wears masks 

Plastic faces 

And wigs

I'm not knocking the religious people I'm just trying to find what is real 

I would like to know what I'm worth 

What I deserve and whether I'm worthy of ascension 

I try to find my footing but the world around me is so plastic I don't know where i stand

I want to feel the things I used to feel 

When you touch me I want To know that I want you from the deepest of my being

I want to know things

I want to be sure so deep in my head

When did I start to question everything?

When did I start to resent my conclusions and doubt my mind

I want to roam free in this world the same way that I used to

Can my soul be free once again?

Can I roam this earth as me and not as a mollusk waiting to shed her skin

Doubt is a disgusting horrible feeling

An energy

I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy

It is the murderer or all life 

I wish to see clearly again

I want my footing back 

I want to be my own friend again

Friends til the end i want

To love myself 

Freely 

Deeply and fully

My home is where my heart is 

I want to dance in the streets and sing and yawn all at the same time 

I want you to see me and see the glitter in my eye 

I want my youth back 

I am dying so quickly

But I shouldn't be

I should be waking up eager to live my life because 

My life is at it's peek 

In some ways 

And in others 

It's broken 

A broken winged bird in the words of Robert frost 

I let too many people push me around and now

I'm on the ground, looking up and no one 

Takes my hand 

But you 

You are generous with your love and always have been 

You have wrapped your generous heart around me and saved me endless times. Does that make you my savior? 

Or me yours ?

I hope I have done the same for you 

Would be better to return the favor 

On those nights when i lie awake and you

Are plastered to my soul 

Like wall paper

The kind with the tiny dancing ballerinas

You are part of me

It's beyond love at this point

It's a transcended element

Beyond time

Beyond space

It makes so sense and we ask ourselves 

So clearly

We are adults after all

But we can't seem to make up our minds

But why

Why can't we make a choice? Yes or no?

Is this eternal or temporary

The age old question

Is it disposable like paper plates, or is it like Tiffanys china that your treasure and pass on to your kids

Do I want to rip open my ribs and give you all the colors of my soul?

You have seen them clearly, but I have not given them to you fully

And I think you know that

Intuitively 

Your heart is mine and my heart is yours?

can we rip this apart?

Is this our fate?

Is this our destiny ?

I'm dying to know

The choice.