I wish that I was not this broken person

I wish so badly that I was as effervescent as a bird flying over the ocean who sees his reflection in the setting sun

I wish it was not a struggle and I did not have to fight to get through the day

I wish I was more like you

It seems easy for you

Why do I struggle 

And crumple 

Why can I barely function day to day

Is life this hard for everyone? 

Sometimes I am so high 

It's confusing when you are alone

You don't know which way is up and where your heading

This life is not meant to be lived alone

But we need to decide

We need to make choices

Who we're going to be

Every choice leads us down a path, you see

Whether you like it or not

Whether you're scared or shot

The roads of life are where we are going 

Sometimes is scary to go down

But we are all leading to the same destination I feel 

We all want to go to the same place

So the roads you take matter not

What matters is that you keep going; 

Keep walking

You will not get anywhere by sitting down in the middle of the trail. 

Watchers passersbys pass you by.

No this is not the way to be

The truth is we don't know if we are taking the right road

Especially people like me who want an answer 

But sometimes can't hear them

I have surrendered myself to Gd over and over and over again and he remains, for the most part, silent.

If Gd Himself came down and told me how to live my life, I would do it in a heartbeat- a second.

Sometimes  I am scared

Sometimes I want to be an atheist and just give up

On my faith

Sometimes I listen to people around me too much and that is hard

People who think they know but probably they know much less than I.

Gd is not going to talk to me so I need to stop trying

It's driving me crazy.

I am surrounded by people and I need to stay on this earth.

What is it about me that wants to go into the clouds?

I want to feel love

I want to feel love more than anything else, the peaceful, rushing kind of love

But I push if away. I block it out.

There are so many men around me interested in me. I am afraid of falling for the wrong one. Like

I did with Brandon, and so

Many others. I was so angry at Gd for bringing Brandon into my

Life.

Why would he make me fall so hard? It makes

No sense and it is cruel

Sometimes i think the set up

Of my

Life

Is cruel 

And I want to play the victim.

Sometimes I do

Sometimes i feel sorry for myself 

And cry about "why me"

But other times, 

I feel so lucky. And try, just try,

To let the confusion melt away.

The truth is i don't know

I don't know Gds plan for me. 

I will tell you one thing I am beginning to hate Gd. 

I am very mad at him. For what he has done. He has led me astray.

I try to do everything for Him.

Everything for His will. 

But i am left confused and broken. How can this be?

Is this what He wants for me?

Is this the life he wants? 

How can i be sure?

I try to hard

To live a good life and be a good person

Ok so I am flawed 

There are certain men I can't resist 

Or certain things I keep doing

Like eating non kosher 

Or being mean to my mom.

How can anyone be perfect?

I don't think we can be perfect because

We are humans 

Humans are inherently not perfect

But yet

I have such high standards of how I want my life to be

Life to look

When i see other people with these standards I think 

"What an idiot"!" "He'll never get that.. he's a bad person" 

But there are still people who acquire these things

People who are not perfect 

Maybe they cut corners or something like that 

All

I know is that I want ton keep my values

My values strong 

And the rest will fall 

Into place