A process

A process

That eats our soul

For us to be whole

We have to 

Bow down to the man

Like Peter Pan

When he doesn't want to grow up

He wants to

Be true

His heart is see-through

He's Killin' it with his 

Game - no shame

He's not the one to blame

He's 

Friends with the monsters inside of his head

He's better at this then we said

Who wants to grow up and be told what to do?

Who can do that? Who knew? 

The world can be a cruel, cruel place.

And dark

The world can be dark. 

And stark 

The world is not what is used to be-

No warm bath, really, not truly. 

Are you fathoming this? 

How can you grow if you've got nowhere to go?

So you smash your ego- 

And damn

It's like you're floating on cloud nine with your friends all around.

And you're finally free...

To be free. 

A process

That eats our soul

For us to be whole

We have to 

Bow down to the man

Like Peter Pan

When he doesn't want to grow up

He wants to

Be true

His heart is see-through

He's Killin' it with his 

Game - no shame

He's not the one to blame

He's 

Friends with the monsters inside of his head

He's better at this then we said

Who wants to grow up and be told what to do?

Who can do that? Who knew? 

The world can be a cruel, cruel place.

And dark

The world can be dark. 

And stark 

The world is not what is used to be-

No warm bath, really, not truly. 

Are you fathoming this? 

How can you grow if you've got nowhere to go?

So you smash your ego- 

And damn

It's like you're floating on cloud nine with your friends all around.

And you're finally free...

To be free. 

I wish that I was not this broken person

I wish so badly that I was as effervescent as a bird flying over the ocean who sees his reflection in the setting sun

I wish it was not a struggle and I did not have to fight to get through the day

I wish I was more like you

It seems easy for you

Why do I struggle 

And crumple 

Why can I barely function day to day

Is life this hard for everyone? 

Sometimes I am so high 

It's confusing when you are alone

You don't know which way is up and where your heading

This life is not meant to be lived alone

But we need to decide

We need to make choices

Who we're going to be

Every choice leads us down a path, you see

Whether you like it or not

Whether you're scared or shot

The roads of life are where we are going 

Sometimes is scary to go down

But we are all leading to the same destination I feel 

We all want to go to the same place

So the roads you take matter not

What matters is that you keep going; 

Keep walking

You will not get anywhere by sitting down in the middle of the trail. 

Watchers passersbys pass you by.

No this is not the way to be

The truth is we don't know if we are taking the right road

Especially people like me who want an answer 

But sometimes can't hear them

I have surrendered myself to Gd over and over and over again and he remains, for the most part, silent.

If Gd Himself came down and told me how to live my life, I would do it in a heartbeat- a second.

Sometimes  I am scared

Sometimes I want to be an atheist and just give up

On my faith

Sometimes I listen to people around me too much and that is hard

People who think they know but probably they know much less than I.

Gd is not going to talk to me so I need to stop trying

It's driving me crazy.

I am surrounded by people and I need to stay on this earth.

What is it about me that wants to go into the clouds?

I want to feel love

I want to feel love more than anything else, the peaceful, rushing kind of love

But I push if away. I block it out.

There are so many men around me interested in me. I am afraid of falling for the wrong one. Like

I did with Brandon, and so

Many others. I was so angry at Gd for bringing Brandon into my

Life.

Why would he make me fall so hard? It makes

No sense and it is cruel

Sometimes i think the set up

Of my

Life

Is cruel 

And I want to play the victim.

Sometimes I do

Sometimes i feel sorry for myself 

And cry about "why me"

But other times, 

I feel so lucky. And try, just try,

To let the confusion melt away.

The truth is i don't know

I don't know Gds plan for me. 

I will tell you one thing I am beginning to hate Gd. 

I am very mad at him. For what he has done. He has led me astray.

I try to do everything for Him.

Everything for His will. 

But i am left confused and broken. How can this be?

Is this what He wants for me?

Is this the life he wants? 

How can i be sure?

I try to hard

To live a good life and be a good person

Ok so I am flawed 

There are certain men I can't resist 

Or certain things I keep doing

Like eating non kosher 

Or being mean to my mom.

How can anyone be perfect?

I don't think we can be perfect because

We are humans 

Humans are inherently not perfect

But yet

I have such high standards of how I want my life to be

Life to look

When i see other people with these standards I think 

"What an idiot"!" "He'll never get that.. he's a bad person" 

But there are still people who acquire these things

People who are not perfect 

Maybe they cut corners or something like that 

All

I know is that I want ton keep my values

My values strong 

And the rest will fall 

Into place 

You don't 

Deserve my words.

The end. 

[i started this poem but never finished] 

the way

Sometimes I wonder what I am doing on this earth 

My soul was brought down here in this body and its trying to find it's worth

The world is so full of walls that I can't even see

But I walk forward and I hit a glass door before me every direction I take

How do we know

Our souls price tag

How can we see what is real and what is genuine 

When everyone around wears masks 

Plastic faces 

And wigs

I'm not knocking the religious people I'm just trying to find what is real 

I would like to know what I'm worth 

What I deserve and whether I'm worthy of ascension 

I try to find my footing but the world around me is so plastic I don't know where i stand

I want to feel the things I used to feel 

When you touch me I want To know that I want you from the deepest of my being

I want to know things

I want to be sure so deep in my head

When did I start to question everything?

When did I start to resent my conclusions and doubt my mind

I want to roam free in this world the same way that I used to

Can my soul be free once again?

Can I roam this earth as me and not as a mollusk waiting to shed her skin

Doubt is a disgusting horrible feeling

An energy

I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy

It is the murderer or all life 

I wish to see clearly again

I want my footing back 

I want to be my own friend again

Friends til the end i want

To love myself 

Freely 

Deeply and fully

My home is where my heart is 

I want to dance in the streets and sing and yawn all at the same time 

I want you to see me and see the glitter in my eye 

I want my youth back 

I am dying so quickly

But I shouldn't be

I should be waking up eager to live my life because 

My life is at it's peek 

In some ways 

And in others 

It's broken 

A broken winged bird in the words of Robert frost 

I let too many people push me around and now

I'm on the ground, looking up and no one 

Takes my hand 

But you 

You are generous with your love and always have been 

You have wrapped your generous heart around me and saved me endless times. Does that make you my savior? 

Or me yours ?

I hope I have done the same for you 

Would be better to return the favor 

On those nights when i lie awake and you

Are plastered to my soul 

Like wall paper

The kind with the tiny dancing ballerinas

You are part of me

It's beyond love at this point

It's a transcended element

Beyond time

Beyond space

It makes so sense and we ask ourselves 

So clearly

We are adults after all

But we can't seem to make up our minds

But why

Why can't we make a choice? Yes or no?

Is this eternal or temporary

The age old question

Is it disposable like paper plates, or is it like Tiffanys china that your treasure and pass on to your kids

Do I want to rip open my ribs and give you all the colors of my soul?

You have seen them clearly, but I have not given them to you fully

And I think you know that

Intuitively 

Your heart is mine and my heart is yours?

can we rip this apart?

Is this our fate?

Is this our destiny ?

I'm dying to know

The choice. 

sometimes

Sometimes when it's late

I lie in bed and think of you 

I think of the times you rubbed your fingers through my hair

And made me scream

I think of the pocket of love

In which we resided

I think of our aura

Which was a lovely shade 

I think of all the things we could have been

Should have been 

Perhaps

But weren't 

We fought like cats and dogs and spat in each other's faces

We ripped out hair out

And our Vains popped out of our heads like delirious clowns

You owned my heart and I owned yours 

But we were reckless in love and my heart is worn and jaded from loving you 

My hands gripped you so hard and never wanted to let you go

The force of the greatest tidal wave wouldn't loosen my grip

I reached for you on the darkest nights

And you were there

Mostly 

Luckily you held me

When I sobbed my eyes out from some deeper problem you never could have known 

But somehow you did

And i never understood how

You could listen to me talk for hours 

And get my soul

But now

You look at her like you looked at me

And that is painful to see

Your love for me seems to be gone

Like the shutter speed of your DSLR

there lies a pile of ashes we're our love used to be

I feel

I feel we're reaching for something that is no longer there

It was but so much has changed; we have evolved 

It's tough to see what has happened to us

And i believe it has

I can see pretty clearly because 

My vision is 20/20 

I'm kind of a mind reader too, and my intuition is strong 

Because of this my heart is a little sad 

But at the same time we were never truly looking in the same direction, I don't think

Our love was the only thing holding us together 

But apparently that fades, too.

Oh the irony

The irony of life love and the pursuit of happiness 

It's hard chasing after a light that once was 

And then you open your eyes and see it's not there anymore

You're grasping at this air with nothing more than a cloud of dust

But somehow there is hope

In the distance 

She waves her brilliant flag and releases her warmth where you thought you would be in the Icey cold, outside of the igloo where we used to reside 

But somehow hope is there and she warms us both

We are both deserving of a good life, I can tell you that. We are both pure but in different ways. 

I admire your heart, from afar but maybe not best intertwined with mine. 

You're happy now I can feel

It

You're no longer scared and grasping for me. You have released me. And that is good. 

When you work

And toil

And when it all boils down 

You wonder

You wonder

(In between the the thunder)

What you're escaping, what you're running from?

Who's the magician in the sky who makes magic on earth?

And why bow down to Him?

When He leads you into the dark holes and you 

Don't know where to look.

Where's the hook?

"Hold my hand"

But the hand you held will take you down dark paths. 

It's confusing in our brain because sometimes,

Just sometimes

Those paths look like light.

And we don't know whether to look up or down,

Left or right.

Like a bright, white elephant in the room, when we touch it, it turns to dust before our very eyes.

And we have none left to do, but play in the sand.